Accepting Reality

I had a long, angry post typed up a couple days ago, but I decided to wait to post it and ended up deleting it this morning as it really doesn't serve any purpose. I've had a really difficult week and I just want it to be over. There was an extremely remote chance this month that I might be pregnant, but it turned out not to be the case. I've wanted another child since Luke was about 2. Jay and I never would have been together long term if it hadn't been for Luke as we are very different in many ways. One of those ways is that I always wanted to have kids. 2 kids. He would likely have not had any if Luke hadn't come along unexpectedly when he did.

There was a subject recently on one of the BB's I frequent asking how people knew their DH/SO was "the one". I didn't respond because the only thing I could think of to say was "he isn't, but we have a child together and we're trying to make the best of it." It just really didn't seem like I should post that at the time. Well, since we are trying to make the best of it, I've spend the last few years trying to convince myself that I am okay with just having one child. I learned this month that all this time I have been lying to myself and I am really NOT okay with it. But I have to try and accept it the best I can, I suppose. I have spent much of the past week either crying or close to it.

I know that there are plenty of people out there who would give anything to just have one child, and it makes me feel so selfish to even be posting about this. Luke is a wonderful kid (well, most of the time) and I am extremely thankful to have a happy, healthy child. It is just such a bitter disappointment and coming to terms with my reality is not going to be an easy task.

So I am trying to focus on other things. My best friend and her husband just started trying to have a baby, so I'm planning to offer her my maternity clothes, remaining baby stuff that I'd been holding on to "just in case" and just try to close that chapter in my life. I am going to focus on getting us out of debt in the next year or two and moving to a real house (preferably with a pool after the way Luke took to the water this summer). If I can't have that second child that I so desparately want then I need to find a way to accept it and move on with my life.

I'm sorry for the depressing, self-absorbed post that this has become. I am seeking closure I think; hopefully I can find it without resenting my husband forever.