On Marriage and Being a Working Mother
I apologize in advance because this is going to be a rant. Sorry!
There are some days where I feel like I may as well be a single mother, considering the lack of help that I get from my husband. I am just so frustrated today, and I know I need to vent somewhere. For the first 2 years and 9 months after Luke was born, Jay was a stay-at-home-dad. It saved us a lot on daycare and taxes, and it was a lot easier to go to work knowing that Luke was safe at home all day. Of course, his SAHD time was much different than if I had been a full-time SAHM. I came home from working full days and still did the vast majority of cleaning. Well, I did get some help in those days, more than I get now anyway.
When we moved to our new home in 2003, Jay went back to work and we put Luke in this great Christian preschool/daycare. Eventually Jay was working full time. Somehow over the last year and a half he has been doing less and less around the house, and I guess it hit me over the weekend and today. I work full time, I make more than twice what he does, and yet he acts like his job is more important. He will go in early in the morning, leaving me to get Luke ready by myself, and then work late so I have to pick Luke up. Some mornings he takes Luke, but even then I am the one who is up getting Luke ready for preschool.
He started a new job Friday and now he has two dedicated days off a week: Monday and Tuesday. I don't have any days off; I have a "real" job M-F and then I spend the weekend cleaning the house, doing the laundry, and taking care of Luke. The thing that made me snap this morning is that he wouldn't get up to help get Luke ready for preschool. Luke loves it when he takes him in the morning, and when I pick him up. I need to make up some time today because I woke up late yesterday (stupid time change) and today is the only chance I have because Jay has to work late the next three nights. Of course he just stayed there in bed so I had to get Luke ready AND take him, making me late to work. Grrr.
I am just so tired; I'm tired of doing laundry every weekend. I'm tired of waiting to see if he'll vacuum and then realizing it's not going to happen and that I can't deal with how gross the floor is. I'm tired of being the only one to clean the kitchen or the bathrooms, or pick up the living room and Luke's room. I'm tired of doing the grocery shopping. And I'm tired of feeling like a single parent so much of the time. The fact that he spent yesterday watching golf and hitting balls, and is going to go play golf today, while I spend my time off keeping our home livable, just makes me so angry. And he has days off during the week where he could actually get a substantial amount of work done around the house without Luke demanding attention. I do not do yardwork, and though we have a small outdoor area, it is in dire need of attention. I would bet money that he doesn't do a damn thing today to contribute to our family; the outdoor area will not be touched while I'm gone, and there's nothing to do inside since I did it all over the weekend, as usual.
There are times when I seriously wish I lived in an earlier time where the husband worked full time and the wife stayed home and took care of the house and the kids. Then at least I wouldn't have to worry about being the breadwinner too and I could spread the housework out over the course of the week and not cram it all into the weekend which is supposed to be time off. Ha. Instead I have the misfortune to live in a time where I get to be a working mother and try to fulfill both roles since I get so little help. Sometimes I just don't know why I bother.
posted by Jill in CA @ 9:08 AM
5 Comments:
{{{{{Jill}}}}}
Hint...stop doing HIS laundry ;)
(((Jill))) It does sound like he's taking you for granted, especially since he used to do much more to help out. Have you sat down and had a discussion with him about it?
{{{{{Jill}}}} I feel fror you. I use to feel that exact same way in my previous marriage. Maybe you should do the things for you and your son and let DH deal with his own stuff, like the laundry.
I'm starting to think it's hardwired into these men. This is almost exactly what i went through with my ex. I didn't mind being the breadwinner, but to be the breadwinner and the housekeeper and the parent was just way too much. I agree with Terri, stop doing his laundry and picking up his messes. And you might consider printing out this entry (with or without our comments) and leaving it out where he can't miss it. Maybe in his golf bag? {eg}
Well you got two options or you will end up divorced over this:
1) hire a housekeeper/cleaning service to do the bulk of the work - split the cost with him
2) come up with an equitable division of labor and create a chore schedule - then stick to it and force him to stick to it. Men don't really realize all that is needed to run a house and take care of a child, and until you start listing things one by one, they just won't get it.
If he still refuses to do his part then it's time to give him a taste of his own medicine, so move on to....
3) disappearing on the weekends and leave him with your son to deal with it all. Say you simply refuse to spend your weekends cleaning and if he makes you work extra during the week, he will have to pay you back on the weekends. By the second/third weekend he will come around.
I've seen this happen to a lot of marriages. At some point the woman realizes that she would have less work if she got rid of hubby, and since she's tired of being taken for granted anyway, she does just that. If you don't put your foot down right now and raise bloody hell over this, he will continue to walk all over you until you get tired of being his doormat.
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