Change?
Do you ever reach a point in your life where you feel that some sort of change is imminent? I can’t put my finger on it but I feel like I am on the brink of something. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because the thought of things continuing just how they are is unbearable or maybe it’s because something is going to change in the near future but I don’t know what it is yet. I’ve had times throughout my life where it’s almost like I can see something before it happens. I guess that sounds weird; I don’t mean I can see things like a vision but it’s more of a strong feeling. Conversely I’ve had plans to do something in the past but it felt like it was something that wouldn’t really happen because I couldn’t “see” it and whatever it was didn’t happen after all. I know it sounds silly; maybe I’m just thinking too much or wanting a change so much that I can see it in my mind.
I have been really out of sorts lately, for multiple reasons. I’m still really upset about the clergy change at church. This Sunday is the Sr. Pastor’s last Sunday. It really sucks. There is a special service in the afternoon so I anticipate I’ll be at the church most of the day. I’ll be getting together with some other stitchers this Saturday afternoon and I’m planning to go hiking that morning. The hiking is a good thing; I’m down to my post-Luke low weight as of yesterday. It feels great to get outside; Luke is really enjoying the time outdoors too. Considering how much time his dad spends in front of the television I’m greatly relieved to see that Luke prefers to play creatively in his room or outside. I never really watched much tv as a kid myself.
I’ve complained about my marriage before in my blog; a big part of why I haven’t posted much lately is that I don’t want to be complaining all the time. It isn’t that things are particularly bad right now; I mean we aren’t fighting or anything. I was reading through old journals last night and really it has been a lot worse. I still can’t figure out why the heck I stayed through all of that; I was such a naïve idiot. Anyway, Jay quit his last two jobs without finding a new job first and I was furious about it. This last time was especially bad because he’d been complaining about his job for two months before he quit and I’d told him I didn’t care if he changed jobs but to find another one first. Of course he didn’t; he just let things go until he reached a breaking point and quit. I can’t understand it. He did find another job with just a couple days inbetween, but it just as easily could have not worked out. I feel like he just doesn’t take things seriously and that he is irresponsible. I get really tired of making the bulk of our income and doing all the work around the house. I really don’t get how someone can spend so much time in front of the television. It seems that’s all he does except go to work and play golf.
We always used to fight about how we wanted different things in life. I know we wouldn’t be together now if we didn’t have Luke but sometimes I wonder if having Luke is enough common ground. He used to go on and on about how we were incompatible. Well it took me awhile but I do agree now. I just don’t know what to do about it at this point. Are Luke, church, my stitching, and friends enough to make up for what is missing? And I wonder what will happen when he gets tired of his new job. He’s okay now because it’s new and different but what will happen in a few months, or a year? Or two? I want to move into an actual house with a yard but his income is not something I can count on since it has fluctuated so much. I want to have another child and he will not yield on that. All he wants to do is sit in front of the tv in his own little world. I am tired of not having a *partner* or someone to share my interests with. Surely this isn’t the way that marriage is supposed to be, but it is the marriage that I have. I just don’t know if I can keep doing this.
He is out of town training for his new job until the 13th. I think I really needed this time to myself to sort things out. I can’t figure out what the right decision is; there isn’t an easy answer. I don’t know if it is easier to stay or to leave and I don’t know what is best for Luke. Is this really the example I want him to see for a father and husband? But do I really want to break up his family? I don’t know what I want. I know that we need to talk about it and I’m planning to have that conversation when we get back from Myrtle Beach at the end of the month.
So that’s what has been on my mind lately. And maybe it’s obvious now why I feel that some sort of change has got to happen. I just want to make sure that whatever I decide is the right decision this time. I don’t have the best track-record when it comes to decision making.
posted by Jill in CA @ 2:52 PM
12 Comments:
Hello Jill! I just stumbled randomly upon your blog ;). What you said about change really really made sense. I thought I was maybe weird or something because I always seem to know when something big is going to happen. Not mentally, per se, but emotionally. I feel it in the pit of my stomach ;). And right now I have that gnawing feeling, and I don't know why. Makes me kind of scared and nervous. But I'm thankful I know who holds tomorrow, and I want to trust Him!
As you talked about your marriage, my heart really went out to you. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that. I'm not married, so I don't have a lot of expertise or advice to give, but I have read an awesome book about marriage. Very poignant and honest and good. I wouldn't want to be a wife without that book ;). It's only $12... and would be $12 worth spending! Find it here:
http://shop.nogreaterjoy.org/
Well I guess this is long and rambly enough. I'm praying for you!
I, too, have often felt as if I was on the brink of change, and usually change was forthcoming. Right now I sort of have the same feeling you do--as if continuing on with things as they are would be unbearable. Well, maybe not unbearable in my case, but just kind of anticlimactic in a way. It's just DH and I, I'm turning 37 in August, and we are at the crossroads of whether or not to start a family. Now or never, basically. Such a difficult choice for us--so I can sympathize with the difficult choice you're facing in your marriage. So hard to make a choice you know will have such a profound effect on your life, isn't it???
Have you tried counseling? Would your DH agree to go with you?
I hope everything becomes clearer for you. Just know that things have a funny way of turning out for the best. : )
Jill, I'm sorry I can't offer any advice that would help you make your decision but I'm sending some (((hugs))) your way. With this very short time we have on earth I think it's incredibly important to do what makes you happy.
{{{hugs}}}
I wish I could offer some wonderful advice, but honestly, only you know what's in your heart and you will make the decision that you feel is best for you and Luke. I want you to be happy!
It's probably good timing for you to have a few days on your own to think and sort through your feelings and pros/cons. I know that I would find the situation you described very difficult, as I definitely consider my husband an equal partner with housework and parenting.
{{{extra hugs}}}
I don't necessarily think this is the right choice for you, but I wish I had made the move to get out when I first accepted the reality that he wasn't ever going to "grow up". I figured that out in our 2nd or 3rd year, we've now been married 13, the last 3 of which have been spent living apart. And there's so much less strain now that we are apart. However, my kids are much older than Luke and not quite as needy as when they were his age, so it's a lot easier to be a single mom at this stage.
My recommendation is to see a counselor. If you can manage to get him to go, so much the better. But you need someone for you regardless of whether he's going to put forth an effort. Having someone to talk to, someone who can give you advice in realtime rather than through comments on the blog, is invaluable!
I don't necessarily think this is the right choice for you, but I wish I had made the move to get out when I first accepted the reality that he wasn't ever going to "grow up". I figured that out in our 2nd or 3rd year, we've now been married 13, the last 3 of which have been spent living apart. And there's so much less strain now that we are apart. However, my kids are much older than Luke and not quite as needy as when they were his age, so it's a lot easier to be a single mom at this stage.
My recommendation is to see a counselor. If you can manage to get him to go, so much the better. But you need someone for you regardless of whether he's going to put forth an effort. Having someone to talk to, someone who can give you advice in realtime rather than through comments on the blog, is invaluable!
Never been married or had kids, so can't help there. Just: {{{{{Jill}}}}}
*hugs* hon, can't really offer you any advice as I have kind of stumbled through my marriage one way or the other. I thank the gods that at the end of it we are still together even though we are the most incompatible couple going..lol
Just wanted to offer you hugs..
*Hugs*
No advice from me but I do know that you deserve to be happy ((Hugs))
No advice to add but {{{{Jill}}}}
Jill, It's taken me a very long time talking myself into commenting about this, since I know you personally. I've known for a very long time that you've been unhappy. You've sat in my living room on more than one occasion talking, and complaining, about your marriage and what you want for yourself and your son. Not once have you ever said what you wanted for your husband, and that speaks volumes.
If it were me, I'd be asking him to leave. File paperwork for a legal separation, and demand counseling. There's no reason for him to change because he thinks he knows that you're going to continue doing things the way he wants things done. And that's what's been happening. You've discussed with him many times the things you want, but he says "no" and things stay the same, without ever giving consideration to what you want. Stop allowing him to be selfish and do what you think is right for you and Luke. I love you dearly and I know you're unhappy and Luke knows it too.
((Oh Jill))
I so know where you are coming from. I had that same feeling of imminent change right before Sean agreed to go to marriage counseling. I had just had enough and couldn't do it anymore. I think Sean sensed that or finally really heard me when I told him so. For him that was motivation to make some real change to not lose his family.
I hope the change for you can also be a positive one. A lot of that will depend on Jay though - you can do all the right things, but if he won't help fix the problem, it won't get better. This is one area where you can't carry the whole load - if it is going to get better he has to extend the effort to make it so. Although, I'd still never describe my marriage as perfect, and I still carry more than my share of the responsibility load in our marriage, there has been much improvement over the last few years. I can see that he is really trying, and I know that my happiness is important to him. For me that is enough (most days anyway).
By the way, we also pretty much agree that we are incompatible in pretty much every way possible EXCEPT that we are both committed to making our family work for our own happiness and our childrens' happiness. Incompatibilty can be overcome, but only if both people in the relationship work at it. Please feel free to email me if you ever need someone to talk to. ((hugs))
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