Drama

Thank you all for the kind thoughts and helpful comments. Please know that even if I haven't e-mailed you personally I have appreciated each and every one.

I had planned to wait to say anything to Jay until after the beach, really I did. But when he called Friday night and was homesick and saying how much he missed us, something just snapped in me. I told him it was nice to hear and that I hoped that meant he was willing to go to counseling with me when he got home. Why I couldn't just keep my mouth shut and wait to say it I will never know. He said that he knew where this was going, that this is how it always starts, and that he'll go to counseling but he's not going to change.

He hung up on me and then called back a little bit later and said "you hateful bitch I'll never let you take my son from me" etc etc, and that he would fight "to the death" over it. He said a few more horrible things and then hung up on me. I tried calling him back and he wouldn't answer so I called a friend. Then he called back and we talked for awhile. It was horrible. I told him that when I said counseling I didn't mean I wanted a divorce but that I have been miserable and things need to change. He said that it "wasn't his responsibility to make me happy" or something like that. I'm not looking for him to "make" me happy; I'm pretty happy with most of the other aspects of my life. I'm looking for a partner and a companion and someone to share my life with. I absolutely do not have that. I am just as alone with him here as I am when he's gone but it took this trip for me to realize that.

He just does not get it and that conversation ended with me feeling drained and trapped. He said he would never divorce me and take Luke but that if I tried to do that to him he would fight it. I never said I wanted to take Luke from him, in fact I never said I wanted a divorce but at this point I can't see any other option if he isn't willing to change. Of course why would he want to leave; I make a good salary and I do the housework and all the finances and I take care of Luke almost by myself. He's got a pretty sweet deal I suppose.

Well, after that conversation, I called my dad and sobbed hysterically into my cell phone, eventually causing it to short circuit. It was a horrible night; I didn't sleep at all and I kept checking my phone throughout the night to see if it was working again. Finally it worked around 7:30am and I had 6 messages. One from my poor dad who was up until 3am waiting for me to call back. One was a hang up and the other four were from Jay, ranging from him saying he was sure there had to be more to it and was I seeing someone else (um, no) to others with him apologizing and still others wth him saying I was really mean (I guess for not answering the phone?). I called him as soon as my phone dried out and said I hadn't been avoiding him but that my phone was messed up. We quasi-made up and I have been as nice as possible on the phone since then so that he can finish his training without worrying about it. He comes home tomorrow, though, and I am dreading it. I just cannot stay in this marriage but the prospect of divorce and everything that goes along with it is extremely daunting. I never dreamed he would make it ugly or horrible; after all he never wanted us to be married in the first place.

He said so many times that we should never have been together, and he's right. But really, as a scared, pregnant 21 year old, what was I supposed to want? I believed that if I loved him enough it would work. I didn't realize what I was getting into. I just wanted my child to have a regular family. Of course he wouldn't even agree to get married until Luke was almost 1 and then it was only because I had done a rough figuring of our taxes and told him he either had to go back to work to pay the taxes or get married. He had been a SAHD (though he stopped working and was living a party life off of stock money before I even got pregnant but that's another rant) and it made a big difference in our taxes that year.

There were so many times early in our relationship (and later on too) where I should have left and I didn't. I don't know why; I guess I still thought I could make it work. The thing is, a marriage is between two people. If one of the people doesn't care and doesn't try to contribute to the marriage, well, it's a lot for one person to bear.

Everything in our marriage (well and our relationship before we were married) has been a battle and I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of being the one to compromise and I'm tired of being alone. I don't think it should have to be this hard. I never ever dreamed that I would even think about getting a divorce but I don't see it heading any other direction. If he truly won't change then I am done. It breaks my heart to do this to Luke, but I am so afraid that if I stay in this marriage I will end up like my mother. She stayed with my father for a long time and was miserable and was so bitter and angry and always put me in the middle. I don't want to do that to Luke or to myself. Maybe she'd be a happier person if she'd left when she knew it was over instead of staying for so many years "for the kids". I know that as long as I stay I am the "good" one, the martyr, as I do all the work and Jay doesn't. That's exactly what my mom did and I want to break that cycle. I have to break that cycle. I hope Luke will understand someday and forgive me.