An Update

Well I survived the trip to Myrtle Beach, though it was rather uncomfortable for me. For those who didn't know, it is Jay's annual family trip with his siblings, parents, cousins, etc. For a whole week. This is the 6th year I've gone. I brought some work with me and walked on the beach a lot but the week dragged on so slowly and I felt awkward and awful the whole time. We haven't told his family anything yet; he is still holding out hope that I will change my mind but honestly at this point I don't know if he could say or do anything to make that happen. He did actually play with Luke on the trip instead of abandoning us to play golf every single day, for a change.

I am so emotionally drained; he goes back and forth between being angry at me to being sad to being determined to "make it work". I never know what I'll be facing when I see him at home or when he calls at work. I just want it all to be over but I know that there is a long drawn-out process looming in the future and it is especially daunting at times. I am worried about custody and hoping like mad that I can afford to buy him out of the townhome. He has stated numerous times that he doesn't like the area where we live and he doesn't want to stay there.

Since I have made the decision, though, I have felt at peace for the first time in years. That doesn't mean I am happy about it, because I am not. It's a horrible decision to make and I feel so guilty about it. I just cannot stay the way things are, though, and I fear that I have so much resentment built up that I wouldn't be able to stay even if there was change. I haven't started the process yet; it is so hard to make that first step. At least we've talked about it some now so it is in his head and we're past that initial shock. I know that things will get better eventually but knowing how much worse they'll be between now and then is hard.

I haven't stitched must in the past couple weeks; for the first time in over 6 years I just haven't felt motivated. It's wierd.

Well, so that's how things are with me. Work is busy, which is good. At least my mind is occupied throughout the day. I have found that my friends are amazing and I am truly blessed in that regard. I know that I can get through this all but the road ahead is not an easy one. I will likely be posting sporadically, if at all, but I'll be checking my e-mail and ezinbox at least. It's just hard to know what to say or how to contribute to normal conversations when my life is so upside down right now.