Happy for my Brother

Well for a change I'll write a post that isn't depressing and self-absorbed. Yesterday my brother, Matt, called me to get my address since he's filing to graduate from college in the spring and needed an address of someone who can get in touch with him. He will be 25 next month and had some obstacles to overcome (a bad, costly, early engagement and some ensuing debt) but he'll be graduating with a degree in US History.

For as long as I can remember he has wanted to coach high school football and teach US History. Well, over the summer he was offered a job to coach the offensive line (or maybe it was just the quarterback? I'm not sure) at a private high school not far from where he lives. This is in addition to his full time job at the Boys and Girls Club and his full course load. Of course he took the coaching job, and they have thrown more yards in one game this season than the entire season last year. There are 10 games in the season and so far his team is 4-0. The school has told him that if he's serious about wanting to teach history and coach after graduation that it may be a possibility. I am so happy for him. He's also dating a girl that I really like (hey, she was in band and loves LOTR; what she's doing with my brother I'm *really* not sure, but I like her).

So instead of feeling down today I will be happy for my brother. I have given him a hard time over the years when he pursued crazy jobs (like the "concrete pumping" thing when he bought that truck that got 8 mpg) but he's finally gotten his act together. Our youngest brother is also back in school full time (at their local junior college) with reasonable aspirations of transferring to UC Irvine (or Riverside, I can't remember which it was now) next year.

My big disappointment for today is pretty trivial and fixable: I decided it was time to brush up on my calculus and DSP so I ordered a calculus book from half.com. Well, it arrived yesterday, but instead of the 1168 page, 17 chapter Multivariable Calc book that I thought I was getting (you know, since that's what the description said and all) it was a second half page 651-1168 chapters 10-17 book. I've contacted the seller and am hoping for a quick, painless resolution. I'm really annoyed about it but it's trivial and I can file a claim at the website if it doesn't work out. It delays my studying a little bit longer, but oh well.

I'm planning to take Luke to Legoland tomorrow; it's been three weeks since we last went. I'm hoping I can squeeze my sudoku book into my purse somehow since he likes to play in the area with the kid-sized town (fire station, police station, hospital, store, house, etc; it is so cool) for a looooong time. I don't know if Jay is coming with us or not. Either way I'm planning to visit the new Chick-Fil-A in Oceanside for dinner. I wish there was one closer, but at least it's reasonable for when we go to Legoland.

Have a good weekend everyone!

And It Gets Worse...

I keep wondering if I can possibly feel worse than I currently do, and sure enough, it was possible. My best friend from high school called last night asking how late she should be before taking a pregnancy test (she and her husband have been sort-of trying for a couple months now). She was 10 days late so I said it would probably show up. Sure enough, she calls me this morning as happy as can be, asking if I still have any books or maternity clothes from when I was pregnant. Yes, I do, but I was really kind of hoping that I would get to use them again. I am really happy for her, honest I am, but this was the worst possible time to get the news and I am beyond devastated.

Jenny I'll definitely be e-mailing you; I don't know how you managed to make it ten years in the same situation. I am so happy it worked out in the end for you and I really appreciate your comment and all the others too.

Well I would rather not be depressing, so I'm going to go get some work done now. I just keep wondering what can possibly come next. And how on earth I'm going to do her baby shower; I am really happy for her and I want to be a good friend but it is so, so hard right now.

Another Week

I really appreciate all of the kind comments after my last entry. My week got worse before it got better; Friday afternoon I received an e-mail from a friend's husband two hours after their second child (a daughter) was born. Their first child and Luke have been in preschool together and we've spent much of the summer going to the pool with them. I am trying to prepare myself for going to see the new baby which should happen in the next week or two. If the past week is any indication, I don't expect to get through the visit without bawling. I hope that it makes Jay feel horrible. I know that's a terrible thing to say, but I'm so frustrated with him and he just doesn't understand how big of a deal it is to me to want another child.

I have decided that I'm not going to try to lie to myself anymore. I know now how much I want another child. I don't know if it will ever happen, but I'm done with lying about how I feel. I am not ready to give up either; I'm only 27 and I'd rather have two children a little further apart than I originally wanted than to only have one. Now, if it doesn't happen by the time I'm around 30 then I may reconsider, but that's a few years away and a lot can happen in three years. Besides, it would be ideal for me to get pregnant in about a year from now. Then Luke would be almost done with Kindergarten and we wouldn't have to pay as much for after school care for him and maybe we'll have moved to a bigger home by then.

One more thing: I have a piece of advice for anyone who is either in a position like mine or someone who wants to have children (and has a willing spouse) but is having trouble conceiving. Do NOT go to the mall for lunch during the week. Really, just don't do it. I went to the mall for lunch today to take advantage of Clinique's bonus time and I swear the mall is full of mothers with babies in strollers. It was all I could do not to start crying while I ate lunch. The good news is that I am someone who cannot eat when I'm depressed or upset; it was tough to even choke down a little food at lunch. So maybe I'll be able to lose those 20 pounds after all if I don't get pregnant any time soon. I'd really rather lose just a little of it now though and worry about the rest after having another child...

Accepting Reality

I had a long, angry post typed up a couple days ago, but I decided to wait to post it and ended up deleting it this morning as it really doesn't serve any purpose. I've had a really difficult week and I just want it to be over. There was an extremely remote chance this month that I might be pregnant, but it turned out not to be the case. I've wanted another child since Luke was about 2. Jay and I never would have been together long term if it hadn't been for Luke as we are very different in many ways. One of those ways is that I always wanted to have kids. 2 kids. He would likely have not had any if Luke hadn't come along unexpectedly when he did.

There was a subject recently on one of the BB's I frequent asking how people knew their DH/SO was "the one". I didn't respond because the only thing I could think of to say was "he isn't, but we have a child together and we're trying to make the best of it." It just really didn't seem like I should post that at the time. Well, since we are trying to make the best of it, I've spend the last few years trying to convince myself that I am okay with just having one child. I learned this month that all this time I have been lying to myself and I am really NOT okay with it. But I have to try and accept it the best I can, I suppose. I have spent much of the past week either crying or close to it.

I know that there are plenty of people out there who would give anything to just have one child, and it makes me feel so selfish to even be posting about this. Luke is a wonderful kid (well, most of the time) and I am extremely thankful to have a happy, healthy child. It is just such a bitter disappointment and coming to terms with my reality is not going to be an easy task.

So I am trying to focus on other things. My best friend and her husband just started trying to have a baby, so I'm planning to offer her my maternity clothes, remaining baby stuff that I'd been holding on to "just in case" and just try to close that chapter in my life. I am going to focus on getting us out of debt in the next year or two and moving to a real house (preferably with a pool after the way Luke took to the water this summer). If I can't have that second child that I so desparately want then I need to find a way to accept it and move on with my life.

I'm sorry for the depressing, self-absorbed post that this has become. I am seeking closure I think; hopefully I can find it without resenting my husband forever.

Inconsequential Rants and Random Stuff

I know that, really, I don't have much in my life that is worthy of complaint. Oh sure, I don't have the "real" house with the backyard, my car is old, my husband doesn't do housework, and I'd really like to lose those last 20 damn pounds. But I am healthy, I have a good job, we *do* own our home, and there is a lot in my life for which I am thankful. Some days, though, I am just cantankerous I guess, and I have a couple rants I need to make:

1. To the Panera sample hander-outer who walked by my table *three* times: you suck. I wanted to try the frozen tasty coffee-looking beverage too.
2. To the jerk who, when there were 12 parking spots in the row, had to park their giant hummer in the spot next to me, so close to my car that I couldn't get in it: you REALLY suck. I hope the $3/gallon gas really makes you hate that damn atrocity of a vehicle.

Okay, I know, both rants are petty and stupid, but for some reason I was feeling cranky at lunchtime. I do have something happy to post, though. I had gone to a toy store at lunch to see if they had the Lego Hogwarts Castle for Luke's "Santa" present. They did, but it was $125 and the box was pretty beat up. So, I went on ebay, and found one in perfect, unopened condition, for $94 including shipping. That's $40 less than if I's bought the one at the toy store (after tax). Yay! Luke really wants the Harry Potter legos but they don't make most of them anymore. So far I've found: Hogwart's Castle, Hogwart's Express, Hagrid's Hut, and Draco's Encounter with Buckbeak. I'm planning to hunt down as many as I can and hide them in the closet until Christmas, birthday(s), etc. I figure if he outgrows it (unlikely, since he's not yet 5) or gets tired of them I can re-sell them further down the road. I can't wait to see his happy little face at Christmas. We went to Legoland yesterday and in the "tent sale" shop they had Lupin's Classroom set for $10 (originally $20, which is the minimum I've seen it go for on ebay). I caved and let him get it and he was just in heaven. We even got to leave before Legoland closed since he wanted to go play with it. Yay!! I love having season passes.

Well, I have to attend a 1pm meeting. 1pm meetings suck. I don't think meetings should be scheduled between 11:30-1 at all; too close to lunchtime. I'm tempted to not show up until 1:30 on principle. Heck, half the people will be late anyway and it's just a waste of time to sit around. Gosh what has gotten into me today? Everything is annoying me for some reason.