An Update

Well I survived the trip to Myrtle Beach, though it was rather uncomfortable for me. For those who didn't know, it is Jay's annual family trip with his siblings, parents, cousins, etc. For a whole week. This is the 6th year I've gone. I brought some work with me and walked on the beach a lot but the week dragged on so slowly and I felt awkward and awful the whole time. We haven't told his family anything yet; he is still holding out hope that I will change my mind but honestly at this point I don't know if he could say or do anything to make that happen. He did actually play with Luke on the trip instead of abandoning us to play golf every single day, for a change.

I am so emotionally drained; he goes back and forth between being angry at me to being sad to being determined to "make it work". I never know what I'll be facing when I see him at home or when he calls at work. I just want it all to be over but I know that there is a long drawn-out process looming in the future and it is especially daunting at times. I am worried about custody and hoping like mad that I can afford to buy him out of the townhome. He has stated numerous times that he doesn't like the area where we live and he doesn't want to stay there.

Since I have made the decision, though, I have felt at peace for the first time in years. That doesn't mean I am happy about it, because I am not. It's a horrible decision to make and I feel so guilty about it. I just cannot stay the way things are, though, and I fear that I have so much resentment built up that I wouldn't be able to stay even if there was change. I haven't started the process yet; it is so hard to make that first step. At least we've talked about it some now so it is in his head and we're past that initial shock. I know that things will get better eventually but knowing how much worse they'll be between now and then is hard.

I haven't stitched must in the past couple weeks; for the first time in over 6 years I just haven't felt motivated. It's wierd.

Well, so that's how things are with me. Work is busy, which is good. At least my mind is occupied throughout the day. I have found that my friends are amazing and I am truly blessed in that regard. I know that I can get through this all but the road ahead is not an easy one. I will likely be posting sporadically, if at all, but I'll be checking my e-mail and ezinbox at least. It's just hard to know what to say or how to contribute to normal conversations when my life is so upside down right now.

Drama

Thank you all for the kind thoughts and helpful comments. Please know that even if I haven't e-mailed you personally I have appreciated each and every one.

I had planned to wait to say anything to Jay until after the beach, really I did. But when he called Friday night and was homesick and saying how much he missed us, something just snapped in me. I told him it was nice to hear and that I hoped that meant he was willing to go to counseling with me when he got home. Why I couldn't just keep my mouth shut and wait to say it I will never know. He said that he knew where this was going, that this is how it always starts, and that he'll go to counseling but he's not going to change.

He hung up on me and then called back a little bit later and said "you hateful bitch I'll never let you take my son from me" etc etc, and that he would fight "to the death" over it. He said a few more horrible things and then hung up on me. I tried calling him back and he wouldn't answer so I called a friend. Then he called back and we talked for awhile. It was horrible. I told him that when I said counseling I didn't mean I wanted a divorce but that I have been miserable and things need to change. He said that it "wasn't his responsibility to make me happy" or something like that. I'm not looking for him to "make" me happy; I'm pretty happy with most of the other aspects of my life. I'm looking for a partner and a companion and someone to share my life with. I absolutely do not have that. I am just as alone with him here as I am when he's gone but it took this trip for me to realize that.

He just does not get it and that conversation ended with me feeling drained and trapped. He said he would never divorce me and take Luke but that if I tried to do that to him he would fight it. I never said I wanted to take Luke from him, in fact I never said I wanted a divorce but at this point I can't see any other option if he isn't willing to change. Of course why would he want to leave; I make a good salary and I do the housework and all the finances and I take care of Luke almost by myself. He's got a pretty sweet deal I suppose.

Well, after that conversation, I called my dad and sobbed hysterically into my cell phone, eventually causing it to short circuit. It was a horrible night; I didn't sleep at all and I kept checking my phone throughout the night to see if it was working again. Finally it worked around 7:30am and I had 6 messages. One from my poor dad who was up until 3am waiting for me to call back. One was a hang up and the other four were from Jay, ranging from him saying he was sure there had to be more to it and was I seeing someone else (um, no) to others with him apologizing and still others wth him saying I was really mean (I guess for not answering the phone?). I called him as soon as my phone dried out and said I hadn't been avoiding him but that my phone was messed up. We quasi-made up and I have been as nice as possible on the phone since then so that he can finish his training without worrying about it. He comes home tomorrow, though, and I am dreading it. I just cannot stay in this marriage but the prospect of divorce and everything that goes along with it is extremely daunting. I never dreamed he would make it ugly or horrible; after all he never wanted us to be married in the first place.

He said so many times that we should never have been together, and he's right. But really, as a scared, pregnant 21 year old, what was I supposed to want? I believed that if I loved him enough it would work. I didn't realize what I was getting into. I just wanted my child to have a regular family. Of course he wouldn't even agree to get married until Luke was almost 1 and then it was only because I had done a rough figuring of our taxes and told him he either had to go back to work to pay the taxes or get married. He had been a SAHD (though he stopped working and was living a party life off of stock money before I even got pregnant but that's another rant) and it made a big difference in our taxes that year.

There were so many times early in our relationship (and later on too) where I should have left and I didn't. I don't know why; I guess I still thought I could make it work. The thing is, a marriage is between two people. If one of the people doesn't care and doesn't try to contribute to the marriage, well, it's a lot for one person to bear.

Everything in our marriage (well and our relationship before we were married) has been a battle and I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of being the one to compromise and I'm tired of being alone. I don't think it should have to be this hard. I never ever dreamed that I would even think about getting a divorce but I don't see it heading any other direction. If he truly won't change then I am done. It breaks my heart to do this to Luke, but I am so afraid that if I stay in this marriage I will end up like my mother. She stayed with my father for a long time and was miserable and was so bitter and angry and always put me in the middle. I don't want to do that to Luke or to myself. Maybe she'd be a happier person if she'd left when she knew it was over instead of staying for so many years "for the kids". I know that as long as I stay I am the "good" one, the martyr, as I do all the work and Jay doesn't. That's exactly what my mom did and I want to break that cycle. I have to break that cycle. I hope Luke will understand someday and forgive me.

Change?

Do you ever reach a point in your life where you feel that some sort of change is imminent? I can’t put my finger on it but I feel like I am on the brink of something. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because the thought of things continuing just how they are is unbearable or maybe it’s because something is going to change in the near future but I don’t know what it is yet. I’ve had times throughout my life where it’s almost like I can see something before it happens. I guess that sounds weird; I don’t mean I can see things like a vision but it’s more of a strong feeling. Conversely I’ve had plans to do something in the past but it felt like it was something that wouldn’t really happen because I couldn’t “see” it and whatever it was didn’t happen after all. I know it sounds silly; maybe I’m just thinking too much or wanting a change so much that I can see it in my mind.

I have been really out of sorts lately, for multiple reasons. I’m still really upset about the clergy change at church. This Sunday is the Sr. Pastor’s last Sunday. It really sucks. There is a special service in the afternoon so I anticipate I’ll be at the church most of the day. I’ll be getting together with some other stitchers this Saturday afternoon and I’m planning to go hiking that morning. The hiking is a good thing; I’m down to my post-Luke low weight as of yesterday. It feels great to get outside; Luke is really enjoying the time outdoors too. Considering how much time his dad spends in front of the television I’m greatly relieved to see that Luke prefers to play creatively in his room or outside. I never really watched much tv as a kid myself.

I’ve complained about my marriage before in my blog; a big part of why I haven’t posted much lately is that I don’t want to be complaining all the time. It isn’t that things are particularly bad right now; I mean we aren’t fighting or anything. I was reading through old journals last night and really it has been a lot worse. I still can’t figure out why the heck I stayed through all of that; I was such a naïve idiot. Anyway, Jay quit his last two jobs without finding a new job first and I was furious about it. This last time was especially bad because he’d been complaining about his job for two months before he quit and I’d told him I didn’t care if he changed jobs but to find another one first. Of course he didn’t; he just let things go until he reached a breaking point and quit. I can’t understand it. He did find another job with just a couple days inbetween, but it just as easily could have not worked out. I feel like he just doesn’t take things seriously and that he is irresponsible. I get really tired of making the bulk of our income and doing all the work around the house. I really don’t get how someone can spend so much time in front of the television. It seems that’s all he does except go to work and play golf.

We always used to fight about how we wanted different things in life. I know we wouldn’t be together now if we didn’t have Luke but sometimes I wonder if having Luke is enough common ground. He used to go on and on about how we were incompatible. Well it took me awhile but I do agree now. I just don’t know what to do about it at this point. Are Luke, church, my stitching, and friends enough to make up for what is missing? And I wonder what will happen when he gets tired of his new job. He’s okay now because it’s new and different but what will happen in a few months, or a year? Or two? I want to move into an actual house with a yard but his income is not something I can count on since it has fluctuated so much. I want to have another child and he will not yield on that. All he wants to do is sit in front of the tv in his own little world. I am tired of not having a *partner* or someone to share my interests with. Surely this isn’t the way that marriage is supposed to be, but it is the marriage that I have. I just don’t know if I can keep doing this.

He is out of town training for his new job until the 13th. I think I really needed this time to myself to sort things out. I can’t figure out what the right decision is; there isn’t an easy answer. I don’t know if it is easier to stay or to leave and I don’t know what is best for Luke. Is this really the example I want him to see for a father and husband? But do I really want to break up his family? I don’t know what I want. I know that we need to talk about it and I’m planning to have that conversation when we get back from Myrtle Beach at the end of the month.

So that’s what has been on my mind lately. And maybe it’s obvious now why I feel that some sort of change has got to happen. I just want to make sure that whatever I decide is the right decision this time. I don’t have the best track-record when it comes to decision making.